my baby declaration

I will NOT have children I cannot afford &/or manage.
I will NOT expect people to buy me everything every time I get pregnant.
I will NOT burden other people with my children.
I will NOT be one of those people that get looked at and people think "is she really that stupid?"
I will NOT depend on my husband to do & provide everything for my family.
I will NOT let my children be heathens no matter how cute they are.
I will NOT be embarrassed in public because I lack the ability to control my children.
I will NOT make my family worry 24/7 about whether my children can survive by just his/her parents alone.

I WILL be sure to be prepared for a child.
I WILL be ready to fend for myself when I have a baby.
I WILL & my husband WILL be adults when we take on having a baby.
I WILL go to my mother for advice on everything to give my children the best life.
I WILL be a good example & show my children that college & work are important in life.
I WILL have the cutest children ever to walk the face of this earth.
I WILL love our baby more than any human has ever loved or cared for a baby before.

This is my baby declaration. I am holding myself to it because I want to be the best & have the best for my children. Our children.
I want our children to have a wise, respectable mother & father, not foolish ones.
This is something that is VERY important to me & my future.

homework bleh

3 chapters left in accounting
2 make up tests
1 assignment in spreadsheets/databases
I have to work all day Thursday & Friday
Is it summer yet? Oh wait summer is 3 online classes & work every day. Sounds just like a regular semester! Bummer.

Tomorrow is my unbelievably incredible Mommy's birthday. HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY!
Then Friday after work - headed to NASHVILLE!
I love my parents sooo much & am stoked to see them! I also get to see my sister before she goes to London & my best friend, Bethie!
I cannot wait to go home!

last night's dream

Last night, I dreamt about our daughter. No, we don't have any children, but I dreamt about her. When I woke up this morning, it was so real that I almost began crying because I thought I had lost her! All day, every day I think about us having a baby. It seems silly to most people & everyone says to wait, that we have our whole life, but I want our children to be a part of that life. I don't want to pop them out 1 right after the other - I just want 1 to have during this time of freedom/new experiences (we're financially stable to have a child it's just the loss of insurance due to my ridiculous job that has messed so much up right now). It's so mind-blowing that when you marry the person you Love, you get to come together with them & make another life that is half of you & half of him. I always wanted to be a mommy & with Joshua's career I get that opportunity sooner than I ever thought I would. It just still seems so distant. This is one of those lessons on patience that you regret ever asking for. Could I have a different one now please, Lord? lol.

my latest rut :/

I'm stuck in a HUGE rut right now. I hate my job...everyone says I should be thankful for it, but the company does not care about it's employees & I'm too good to continue taking their garbage(loses paychecks & doesn't care to find them, leaves me with no hours & no insurance the day I return from my honeymoon, sends me really far away to work stink hours with rude people, etc). My school is a lot of work & gets very tiring. I stare at the screen working accounting problems for hours & feel like I'll never get it all done. And I miss MY FAMILY like crazy - no amount of friends or distant family can replace them.

I ADORE my Husband. I've never Loved someone so much & the moment he walks out the door I cry for him to skip work & come back to me. Waking up & leaving each other for hours on end is the hardest part of my day & when we're back together again all we want to do is sleep. My mother told us this is how it would be.Funny thing is, we don't have to work as many hours as we do, but we want to be financially safe & ready for as much as possible in our future because so many people we know live life UNPREPARED.

Tomorrow is another glorious 10 hour day at a store I hate followed by more homework. Tonight I leaned on my Husband & just breathed him in. I want more of those MOMENTS. I want more chances to tell him I Love him in person & to tell him how proud I am for all he's doing for our little family. & I want to be in Nashville. I want us to be close to my family & to keep the amazing relationship I already have with them. I miss home sooo bad & Joshua is my only comfort in this town.

I wrote here how I really felt then DELETED it because it shows my anger & frustration at its worst. All I can say is God, help me to deal with foolish people. If it's not love coming out of my mouth, grasp it shut with all Your might. Don't let me live by an eye for an eye, but by FORGIVENESS as You forgive me. Give me the strength to endure another awful day at work, another stressful week of school, & just a few more days without my family. Because through it all, I have my God, my health, a man who Loves me more than words can say, a family better than all the rest, & a puppy that softens my heart.

Nashville, I'll see you in 5 days.

"no pain no gain" - bad words to live by

I forgot to mention one little thing about me. I am 19. I fell in Love with a boy I had only seen pictures of & texted 24/7 for 2 months when I was 17. If that's not Love I don't know what is. Everything is about looks & lust & how you feel around each other now days. But we couldn't see each other. We didn't even actually talk on the phone until 10 days before meeting face-to-face. We didn't have the normal drama of breaking up & getting back together. We had the hurt of the past & that was more than enough to almost send our relationship down the tubes. Had it been just anybody I would've died of heart break before I'd continued a relationship with him, but this man completed me & I wasn't going to let anything come between us. We knew less than a month into it that we were spending the rest of our lives together but if we got married that soon we'd have criticism from the world.

After 4 months dating & 1 year engaged we got married. People are still questioning why we did. We had to hear "you don't know that they're your soulmate - you haven't really BEEN out in the world yet." What is the newest comment we get to hear? "You haven't been married long enough to really know hard times. Maybe after so many years & after some major heartache you'll know what marriage is." Explain to me this...there was a time limit on how long we had to be together to be able to know we loved each other. There was a time limit on how long we'd been dating before we could possibly know we wanted to get married. NOW, there's a time limit on how long we've been married before we really know how hard marriage is. You people are ridiculous. Stop trying to make your hard stories mean you're more in love or you've had more to bring you closer. I don't have to scream at my Husband, curse at my Husband, hit my Husband, cheat on my Husband, or leave my Husband & come back a week later to know that my heart & his heart are linked.

Thank you, but no thank you. I'm 19. I'm more mature than it often appears. I know we have struggles ahead but we've also had our own type of struggles here & now. No one else lives in this house but us. How could they possibly know what we go through day in & day out to determine if we've entered into the "real" married state or not yet. You don't better yourself or help anyone else when you say this kind of garbage to newlyweds. At one point in history, people were supportive of others finding the Love of their life & vowing to spend forever with them. Now it is a curse & you can't tell even after 35 years of marriage if even that marriage will last. Our marriage will last because we've become one. I'm not chopping my legs off just because I get a Charley horse. He's permanent - through the good, the bad, the ugly, the unbelievable, the amazing, the blessings. Everything.

I hope that when our children come along & find the person they love, that the times have changed & they won't have to hear all the negativity my Husband & I have endured. It doesn't get you to thinking, it sours your heart. Why would you go out of your way to do that to people in love? You hear people saying TRUE LOVE. This is something so very hard to explain but when my Husband & I start in the ministry, I've felt myself called to tell them what true love is, & what it isn't. Young people need to be taught this, not scolded when they think they've found it. I pray for a world with more understanding & softened hearts to the word Love. Not more criticism & skepticism. I think we have applied the saying "no pain no gain" to everything in life now. I never had my heart broken or told someone I loved them until I found my Husband because I knew the importance of it. I was later told that I couldn't be sure Joshua was the one because I'd never really been hurt by a man. I hope that I can be the voice of reason to our youth in saying "you don't have to hurt, you just have to hope." If you believe God will bring you to the right person, hold onto your heart until you know they're it. It is beyond amazing when you do. Coming into my relationship without that pain was one less HUGE struggle & I thank God for keeping me(& my heart) protected.

where do we go from college?

My husband & I are both in school. He is finishing his Bachelor's degree at Lee University in youth ministry & I am finishing my 2 year degree at Cleveland State in accounting within the following year. But what happens next?

As a supportive wife of a man called to ministry, I know it is my responsibilty to follow him whereever he is called. However, being a girl who lived her whole life until college in Nashville, it is very hard for me to picture us up & moving far away as soon as he graduates. I have talked to him about & prayed that God will keep us somewhere near my home just in the beginning of our journey in the ministy. Here are my 2 biggest reasons:
1. My parents. They aren't the normal couple who are content to be alone together. Their lives revolve around their children not each other. They've had a rough relationship.
2. My dream job has always been being a mommy. All I wanted was a house-full of children. A baby has been on my heart a lot lately & I would love to be able to have one once Joshua has started his career. However, the thought of having my first child & my mother not being in driving distance scares me. If our child were to cry constantly through the night from an earache, how would I know? If our child fell & busted their chin like I did as a little girl, what would I do? Also, I want my parents to be active in their grandchildren's lives from the very beginning (& my parents aren't much for traveling).

So why am I still working on my degree if I just want to be a mother? Normally, it is very difficult to raise a family on 1 income. I want to be able to set money back before we have children & to be able to go back to work if necessary once our children are older to continue saving for their college. I am a very smart person as well, & do not want to let my mind go to waste. I enjoy gaining knowledge in the matters of math, business, finances, & accounting. It is helpful when becoming an adult & buying a house or budgeting a household.

So while every morning I wake up & say to myself "why am I wasting my time in school?" I think about my love for having a big family that faces as few financial struggles as possible. My mother worked her butt off to always give us more than we needed. We were never in debt & we never struggled, even through my father's 4 heart attacks. I want to be able to give our children the same peace of mind & example to follow. Planning out what job I will have or when I will be able to finish my bachelor's degree(hopefully online) is not possible in the ministry. But knowing what my husband & I want for our lives & knowing what lengths we'll go to to achieve them is definitely a good plan.

Marrying a youth minister has taken me for a ride. This lifestyle has already begun to teach me that no answers will be of any value if they aren't coming from the Lord. While I have done my best to plan out every move in my life, I can no longer do that.I have to have faith. Real faith that says "I have no idea what tomorrow brings or where tomorrow puts us, but I trust in my God, & my God will not let me down."